Craig Kilborn
There has been no electricity in Baghdad for a week and the people are angry. You would be angry too if you couldn't watch your brand new stolen TV.Collection: People
Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding.Collection: Directors
Tom Ridge now says we don't have to run out and put plastic sheets all over the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet.Collection: Running
Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress.Collection: Lying
Declassified papers report that John Kennedy was taking eight different medications a day. He was so wasted, his Secret Service code name was Ted Kennedy.Collection: Eight
President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield.Collection: War
It's not a big part, ... I wheel in an ultrasound machine and say to Taylor's gynecologist, 'If you have a problem with it, just give it a light tap on the side.' Then they hand me a urine sample, and I put it up to the light and say 'Hmm, looks pretty healthy, but I'll check.'Collection: Light
Boeing is working on an invisible fighter jet so nobody can see who's flying it. Didn't George Bush fly this in the National Guard, I believe?Collection: Believe
President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.'Collection: Issues
Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal - change our state bird to the spread eagle.Collection: Running
President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one.Collection: War
Bryant Gumbel is thrilled about his CBS deal and can't wait to start alienating the staff of an entirely new network.Collection: Waiting
Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark.Collection: Dark
George W. Bush even stopped in Pennsylvania to try his hand at the lotto and gave up when he could only think of the numbers 4 and 17Collection: Thinking
On Sunday, the president flies to the Azores islands to attend a summit with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, and here's my prediction: Bush gets voted off.Collection: Sunday
Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls.Collection: War
President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers.Collection: Jobs
Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts.Collection: Gay
John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit.Collection: Wife
John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq.Collection: Hurt
This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message - if I have one.'Collection: Campaigns
John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.Collection: Found Someone
Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoir has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.Collection: Sleep
I don't want to scare anybody here but we just received word from police that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with a microphone.Collection: Police
Howard Dean is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It's down to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight.Collection: Running
The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News.Collection: Taken
You may have heard this, that NASA discovered water on Mars When he heard about the water on Mars, President Bush said, 'Is it regular or unleaded?'Collection: Water
In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.Collection: President
There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'Collection: Jobs
President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He came up with a snappy new slogan - to drill where no man has drilled before.Collection: Moon
With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something.Collection: Responsibility
Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry.Collection: People
I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.Collection: Retirement
Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, 'If I can't run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I'm out of here.'Collection: Running
Over ten thousand people have signed a petition to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. I'm sorry, that is next year's joke.Collection: Sorry
Apparently, six women claim that Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them while working on his movies. Hats off to these women who admit they worked on Arnold's movies.Collection: Hats
The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.Collection: Running
Happy birthday to former First Lady Barbara Bush, who turned seventy-seven this week. Unfortunately, where her granddaughters helped blow out the candles on her cake, it exploded.Collection: Blow
While there's no 'I' in team, there's also no 'you', okay? So back off.Collection: Team
If loving you is wrong, then I'll just like you a whole bunch!Collection: Love
Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor. He's got a great slogan - 'Vote for me, or I'll make 'Kindergarten Cop IICollection: Running
Singer Boy Dylan was stopped at his own sow by security guards who failed to recognize the singer. Asked to comment, Dylan replied, 'I can hardly blame them. Look at me.'Collection: Boys
Hillary Clinton has finished writing her book where she says her marriage couldn't be stronger, and Bill just finished his book titled 'Chicks I Nailed While Hillary was Writing Her Book.'Collection: Book
President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'Collection: Jobs