Stephan Pastis
When I say 'friends,' I use that term loosely, as I don't actually have any.Collection: Use
Most poetry just confounds me. I really want to like it, but I can't help thinking it's a hoax. (p. 24)Collection: Thinking
If a restaurant offers crayons, I always take them and color throughout the meal. It beats talking to the people I came to dinner with.Collection: Color
If you put me in South Park, that audience is going to fall asleep in five minutes.Collection: Fall
A stand-up comedian faces the audiences and gets their immediate feedback. I hide behind the comic strip, and unless people write to me, I dont know what they think.Collection: Writing
The phrase 'I just turn on my monkey and it makes me feel good' sounds very dirty, but I can't explain why. It's great to try to use expressions like that on the comics page. People want to complain but they can't, because they can't figure out quite what they should be complaining about.Collection: Dirty
My wife Staci made me go to a wedding last weekend...If it weren’t for her, I’d be happy.Collection: Weekend