Sam Levenson
Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.Collection: Motivational
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.Collection: Death
If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.Collection: Marriage
It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'Collection: Birthday
Happiness is a by-product. You cannot pursue it by itself.Collection: Happiness
One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination.Collection: Imagination
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.Collection: Funny
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.
It's a good thing that when God created the rainbow he didn't consult a decorator or he would still be picking colors.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.
You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!
Any beast can cry over the misfortunes of its own child. It takes a mensch to weep for others' children.
Any kid who has two parents who are interested in him and has a houseful of books isn't poor.
I admit that: my wife is outspoken, but by whom?
Just try to be happy. Unhappiness starts with wanting to be happier.
We should not permit prayer to be taken out of the schools; that's the only way most of us got through.
When I was a boy I used to do what my father wanted. Now I have to do what my boy wants. My problem is: When am I going to do what I want?
The difference between keeping things clean and keeping kids clean was that things just sat still and waited for the dirt to collect. We kids were carriers. We ran a pickup and delivery service.
Our parents set the moral tone of the family. They expected more of some of us and less of others, but never less than they thought we were capable of.
The reason God made man before woman was that he didn't want any suggestions.Collection: Sex
Life begins at forty, but so does arthritis, and the habit of telling the same story three times to the same person.Collection: Doe
We may not always see eye to eye, but we can try to see heart to heart.Collection: Teacher
Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.Collection: Memories
Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.Collection: Relationship
It's not the sugar that makes the tea sweet, but the stirring.Collection: Wisdom
You don't have to be in "Who's Who" to know what's what.Collection: Grandmother
If you owe fifty dollars you're a piker; if you owe fifty thousand dollars you're a businessman; if you owe fifty million dollars you're a tycoon; if you owe fifty billion dollars you're the government.Collection: Government
People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed.Collection: Lovely Eyes
You can't start at the top.Collection: New Beginnings
Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.Collection: Funny
Courage is walking naked through a cannibal villageCollection: Naked
Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.Collection: Two
Learn from other people's mistakes. Life is too short to make them all yourself.Collection: Mistake
The chaplain of the Senate does not pray for the Senate. He watches the Senate and prays for the country.Collection: Country
The whole world is watching America, and America is watching TV.Collection: Funny
The longest word in the world is "a word from our sponsor."Collection: Media
Give your child a spanking once a day. If you don't know why, he does.Collection: Children
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.Collection: Sex
Democracy means doing whatever you want without asking permission of anybody but your boss, your doctor, your lawyer, your landlord, your bank, your city, your state and federal authorities, and your wife and children.Collection: Children
What we should have fought for was representation without taxation.Collection: Should Have
If you want to kill time why not try working it to death.Collection: Time
I'm gonna put all my money into taxes. They're sure to go up.Collection: Modern Life
How wise are Thy commandments O Lord. Each one of them applies to somebody or other I know.Collection: Wise