Noel Fielding
They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.Collection: Funny
I find it depressing that people think you have to be on drugs to watch [my stuff], that’s a cop out, use your brain, use your imagination.Collection: Depressing
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.Collection: Funny
I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.Collection: Funny
I could get an audience into my world and if you can do that, they'll go with you not all the way, but a lot of the way.Collection: World
Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.Collection: Funny
Science teachers and the mentally ill, that's all Jazz is for.Collection: Funny
I couldn't have invented crisps. ... I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. ... I invented apples. ... I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.Collection: Funny
I'd have to do unannounced gigs because your fans will laugh at everything because they know what you do already. What you really want is a neutral audience that isn't too harsh - a good comedy crowd - but that don't know necessarily what you're doing.Collection: Laughing
In comedy, you see yourself as a newcomer and then you realize you've been doing it for 18, 20 years, which is ridiculous.Collection: Years
Englishmen do like to get in a dress, any excuse.Collection: Dresses
It's very difficult once you've been on telly because people know what you do. They give you a little bit of grace but then they're harsher if you're not funny, so you have to be funny.Collection: People
If you're going to be a good standup, or a successful standup, or a standup who can work for money, you have to eliminate the possibility of dying quickly.Collection: Successful
When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big.Collection: Funny
There was a big age difference between me and my brothers - about 10 years - so I was an only child for a long time. I used to hang out a lot on my own. I played a lot of weird games with a lot of imaginary people. I guess it's kind of roleplaying.Collection: Brother
When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.Collection: Funny
When I was three or four, I was really good at drawing and painting, and everyone used to say, "You're going to go to art college." I didn't really know what that meant.Collection: Art