Mark Twain
I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'Collection: Life
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.Collection: God
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.Collection: Love
Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.Collection: Work
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.Collection: Respect
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.Collection: Best
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.Collection: Anger
Necessity is the mother of taking chances.Collection: Chance
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.Collection: Good
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.Collection: Humor
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.Collection: Patriotism
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.Collection: Life
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.Collection: Politics
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.Collection: Nature
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.Collection: Society
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.Collection: Sad
Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.Collection: Business
Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.Collection: Time
A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.Collection: Time
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.Collection: Good
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.Collection: Work
A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.Collection: Education
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.Collection: Truth
Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.Collection: Great
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.Collection: Great
Prosperity is the best protector of principle.Collection: Best
My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.Collection: Mom
When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.Collection: Chance
The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.Collection: Medical
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.Collection: Time
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.Collection: Success
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.Collection: Politics
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.Collection: History
Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.Collection: Humor
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.Collection: Truth
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.Collection: Courage
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.Collection: Life
The lack of money is the root of all evil.Collection: Money
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.Collection: Funny
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.Collection: Funny
Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.Collection: Truth
The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.Collection: Society
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.Collection: Anger
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.Collection: Communication
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.Collection: Education
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.Collection: Best
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.Collection: Age
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.Collection: Education
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.Collection: Education