Mark Twain
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.Collection: Education
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.Collection: Sports
It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.Collection: Chance
Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.
Better a broken promise than none at all.
What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.
We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.
Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.
When red-haired people are above a certain social grade their hair is auburn.
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
We are all alike, on the inside.
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain from smoking when awake.
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
Optimist: day dreamer more elegantly spelled.
The educated Southerner has no use for an 'r', except at the beginning of a word.
The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
All emotion is involuntary when genuine.
It is easier to stay out than get out.
Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.
Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
All right, then, I'll go to hell.
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat.
Few of us can stand prosperity. Another man's, I mean.
Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.
'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.
Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.
It put our energies to sleep and made visionaries of us - dreamers and indolent... It is good to begin life poor; it is good to begin life rich - these are wholesome; but to begin it prospectively rich! The man who has not experienced it cannot imagine the curse of it.
It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
Let us not be too particular; it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.
Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.