Lewis Grizzard
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.Collection: Life
It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.Collection: Food
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'Collection: Attitude
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.Collection: Marriage
Things are more complex today, and I think humor has changed a a great deal. People are more sensitive today.Collection: Humor
Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.Collection: Change
I was raised to think women had babies, stayed at home, and men worked. By the time I got ready to do it, I thought I had all the answers. Only somebody had changed the questions.Collection: Home
I don't think I'm a bigot or a racist. But I have a truck, a Blazer. I drink beer. There are some women I do hate.Collection: Women
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.Collection: Family
Show business is my life.Collection: Business
The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.
Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
I gave 738 Rotary Club speeches, and it was just driving me crazy, so someone said, 'Why don't you charge money?'
The South is the last place with a sense of place.
'Redneck' has been terribly abused as a term. Where I come from, a redneck was a farmer who worked the fields all day and got his neck sunburned. People made fun of them.
I went last week to get hypnotized. To quit smoking. And the hypnotist said, 'The reason you smoke is you're bitter and depressed.' No, the reason I smoke is the little sucker tastes so good.
A little irreverence is always important to being a columnist. I try to do that.
The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one.
I wish one time in my life I could do what other writers do... get me a villa in Spain and go there to write a book.
I think people are a lot more sensitive than they used to be, and quite rightly so. I don't think we should be using racial jokes and things like that.
You can write the best column in the world on Monday, and it does you absolutely no good on Tuesday. There is no way to win. You just write until you are tired, they fire you, or you die.
I don't know how I do it, but I've written about everything. I've written about my shoes.
I write 200 columns a year, you know. That means I have to have 200 opinions a year. Sometimes, I don't give a damn one way or the other, but that's my job, so I got to take a side.
There's no such thing as being too Southern.
I'd like to know what I could do if I really had the time to spend on writing a book, with no columns or shows to do at the same time.
I'm a staunch believer in enterprise, and I'm glad I live in a country where - I don't think some people understand this, but if I work hard, I get rewarded for it.
I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.Collection: People
In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.Collection: Mean
The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.Collection: Drinking
"Have you done your homework?" my mother would ask. "I'll do it later." "You will do it now, young man. I don't want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica." Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy.Collection: Mother
It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.Collection: Children
Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.Collection: Thinking
Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.Collection: Leadership
The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.Collection: Trying
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.Collection: Marriage
Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.Collection: Money
Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.Collection: Sex
If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet PepsiCollection: Soccer
God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.Collection: Done
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.Collection: Love
I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.Collection: Smoking
If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.Collection: Feet
I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.Collection: Hate
Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"Collection: Crazy
I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.Collection: People
There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.Collection: Waiting
Spring time is the land awakening.Collection: Spring
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.Collection: Funny
If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.Collection: Love
Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.Collection: Appreciation