Kristen Schaal
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.Collection: Funny
You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.Collection: Funny
I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.Collection: Hate
Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.Collection: Funny
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.Collection: Funny
All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.Collection: Cutting
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.Collection: Funny
I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!Collection: Funny
I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.Collection: Writing
I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.Collection: Funny
One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!Collection: Funny
As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.Collection: Funny
I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater.Collection: Funny
I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.Collection: Funny
Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.Collection: Funny
You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.Collection: Funny
Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.Collection: Funny
I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.Collection: Funny
The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.Collection: Funny
Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?Collection: Funny
Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.Collection: Mean