Jackie Mason
Predictions are preposterous.Collection: Future
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.Collection: Health
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.Collection: Money
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
If I'm a busboy in Philadelphia, then I have to be careful about what I say. But if I'm a public tycoon like Jerry Seinfeld, and I got a billion dollars in my pocket, he's got to be nuts to wonder or worry about what people are going to think.
I didn't emphasize my Jewishness because I wanted to. I just happen to have been raised in a family where everybody happened to talk like this, so why would I talk like somebody else?
It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?
If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.
I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.
I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.
My material is as new as anything on the dinner table. What difference does it make if I'm 70 or if I'm 20? The audience knows they aren't getting any old stories from me.
I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.
I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.
My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.
I have nothing but love in my heart and everything I say is just an instrument for laughs.
The truth is I'm not at all surprised of the longevity of my career. In fact, I would be surprised if the opposite were true and if my career did not have this longevity because I can't believe people would purposely deprive themselves of such hilarious, meaningful entertainment at these prices.
I am very proud of my career and that I've the health, thank God, to continue doing this for so long.
I have a great identification with Judaism as a religion and as a culture, and all the values that created such a great history, and the Jewish contribution to the betterment of all humanity.
There is no way I would ever want to be president for a second. It's much easier to make fun of them on the stage and get paid for it. With all the years of me lampooning the presidents in my act, I know I could never ever want that job.
I knew nothing about professional comedians when I became a comedian. I was a rabbi. So I had no professional comedians to learn from.
I used to hear on the radio people like Jack Benny or Bob Hope, but I never had any interest in their type of humor. I thought that I could do something more substantially meaningful with significant, thoughtful, analytical reflections on real life situations.
I have always found myself trying to study and analyze the world around me - not just taking everything for granted and following whatever is popular.
If you wanted to hear politics, you'd go to Henry Kissinger; you wouldn't go to hear Jackie Mason. The reason I speak about politics is because I know I can get a laugh out of it.
The Republican Party stinks because all of the Republicans have accomplished nothing, and they talk about all of these issues and do nothing about it for a whole lifetime.
Every comedian feels out an audience. As you're telling jokes, if they're not laughing at this, you change the subject.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.Collection: Love
My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.Collection: Grandfather
Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .Collection: Girlfriend
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.Collection: Funny
Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.Collection: Basketball
It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!Collection: Cake
America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.Collection: Country
My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.Collection: Father
A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.Collection: Laughing
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.Collection: Two
I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.Collection: Sex
I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!Collection: Italian
Honesty is nothin' compared to decency.Collection: Honesty
When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!Collection: Hands
The Clintons represent the highest level of corruption, but no one has the courage to mention it. Instead they talk about Rudy Giuliani. Over a lifetime of excellent service, there's never been a hint of corruption in his behavior but everybody investigates him.Collection: Hints
I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!Collection: Crazy
I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.Collection: Football
Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he's with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he's praying for, he's already got!Collection: Men
Ten years ago if you would have told me that Mrs. Clinton would be the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination, I'd have never believed you. Her only qualifications for office are that she's Mr. Clinton's partner. And what does that mean? The two of them stand for dishonesty and corruption.Collection: Mean
Jews are told that they should spend their lives helping others and when they make a lot of money it really bothers them. So, as a way to decrease their guilt, they try to help the underdog. They think, "Why should I be rich when so many suffer?" They feel better once they run to the party that claims to defend the underdog, the Democrats.Collection: Running
People make fools out of themselves in all sorts of ways. No particular qualifications or particular criteria are necessary.Collection: People
I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!Collection: Hate
The key is that I'm always relevant. Some of these comedians have nothing to say. They don't have any ideas so it's "F" this and "F" that. They give you a whole series of swear words and it's really just a way for them to get themselves out of trouble when they can't come up with anything. They're irrelevant and ridiculous.Collection: Ideas
On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.Collection: Country