Dave Barry
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?Collection: God
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.Collection: Education
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.Collection: God
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.Collection: Yummy
I realize that there are certain hardships that only females must endure, such as childbirth, waiting in lines for public-restroom stalls, and a crippling, psychotic obsession with shoe color. Also, females tend to reach emotional maturity very quickly, so that by age 7 they are no longer capable of seeing the humor in loud inadvertent public blasts of flatulence, whereas males can continue to derive vast enjoyment from this well into their 80s.Collection: Emotional
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.Collection: God
A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.Collection: Inspirational
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.Collection: Coffee
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.Collection: God
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.Collection: Inspirational
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.Collection: Inspirational
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country clubCollection: Country
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.Collection: Light
There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them.Collection: Inspiring
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.Collection: Funny
The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.Collection: Dog
Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.Collection: Years