Sam Kinison
My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!Collection: Life
I'm so tired of men who are afraid to hurt women's feelings.Collection: Women
I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.
Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.
I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.
It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.
Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.
Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.
I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order.
If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.
I have lived a carnal life.
AIDS is a horrible disease, and the people who catch it deserve compassion.
Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'
Not that I want to put the entire rap music style down - I just don't like it. And I know somewhere there's gotta be another guy like that. There's gotta be a guy just like that - just like me. There's gotta be somebody, somewhere... Maybe, maybe an assassin type.
In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.
Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!
Society needs a couple of vents that say what you're not supposed to say.
You don't know what a rough crowd is. If all I have to do is go make people laugh, that's nothing. Let me tell you what a tough crowd is. A tough crowd is going to a morning service and you got six people there and you gotta pat your house payment. That's a tough crowd.
I'm attracted to heartbreakers.
I'm a comedian, and my comedy has never endorsed violence towards gays.
I'd rather entertain people than offend them.
Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.
Just because I do a few comedy bits about gay people, that does not mean I'm out there promoting some anti-gay cause.
Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.
Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.
I've never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.
I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.
So many people counted on me to be the party, I had to move far enough away that they wouldn't want to drive there.
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
Everything can be satirized.
So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move.
What am I responsible for? Who am I responsible to? Everybody? How come when Archie Bunker nailed everybody, it was funny - but when I do it, it's not?
I'm responsible. I even did a commercial for MTV saying how I was going to register to vote. And I still haven't.
It was great to be the rock comic, the shock comic. But after you've played Giants Stadium with Bon Jovi in front of 82,000 people, after you've done the 'Wild Thing' video with Jessica Hahn and every rock band from hell, you're not gonna top that.
I want to show people that there's a side of myself other than just the outrageous comedian.
I'm not going to give up the shock part of my comedy.
Anyone can go out on stage and start beating people over the head with rubber chickens. That'll get people's attention.
When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.
It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!Collection: Moving
There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"Collection: Christian
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.Collection: Funny
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!Collection: Moon
How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?Collection: Guy
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.Collection: Funny
I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.Collection: Views
I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!Collection: Sweet
With any other celebrity, people come up and say, 'Hey, I really like your work.' But with my fans, when they see me, they don't even say hello. They just go, 'AWWWWWGHGHHHGHGHRRR!'Collection: People
I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock n roll and ex-wives. In that order.Collection: Jesus