Jay Mohr
Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.Collection: Sports
You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.Collection: Teacher
I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.
I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.
If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.
If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.
I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.
I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.
I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.
True Yankees are born, not made.
Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.
Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.
When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.
Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?
I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.
I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.
But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.
I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.
Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that.
Women have it good when it comes to masturbation. Guys, we just have our hands. For the rest of our lives, that's it. Sometimes your friend will go, 'Ever try your left hand? It's like a whole different person.' Yeah, a retarded person.Collection: Hands
What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.Collection: Gun
I've been doing stand-up 29 years; there is no other career when you're finding your stride 30 years into it.Collection: Years
People are more interested in someone who goes on stage and tells the truth.Collection: People
I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?Collection: Feel Good
If there are 1,500 people in a theater and they're all there to see you, there are no other guys. You're the guy. So it is a monastic life, it is very lonely, if I was prone to loneliness. It's a lot like wrestling, no one can throw a block for you, no one can give you a pass. Nobody can hand the ball off to you, it's you only for an hour and a half every night.Collection: Lonely
There is a lot of acting that is on the table - precisely, good acting. The best movies of mine are the ones that really nobody saw. The Groomsmen, Playing By Heart and Seeing Other People are by far the work I'm the most proud of.Collection: Heart
Whenever I don't feel so well, I always try remind myself of the Siamese twin whose brother is gay, whose boyfriend is coming over...and they share the same asshole.Collection: Brother
I've asked Comedy Central, and they just say, "I don't know." It took Showtime two years to put my special on DVD. Owning your own content is the single most important thing in the world.Collection: Dvds
I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. They're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.Collection: Hate
I don't have the ability to do a nine-to-five nor do I have the desire to. Stand-up is the only thing that's come completely naturally to me.Collection: Desire
If you think you're an alcoholic, go to Scotland. You're not an alcoholic. These people are such drunken, toothless hillbillies - I've never seen anything like it. People in Scotland drink while they're drinking.Collection: Drinking
The guy that designed girls' volleyball uniforms definitely never had daughters.Collection: Girl
I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.Collection: Glasses
The allure becomes, "Can I make these rooms bigger?" Can I fill these 1,500-seat rooms? Then the allure is, how much, if we're being honest, how much can I squeeze out of it financially?Collection: Rooms
She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.Collection: Sex
You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.Collection: Driving
This happens to me every couple of years. I'll look at someone I respect and I'll realize that he's outworking me. It changes the way I behave for the next half decade.Collection: Couple
George Carlin put it best. He said, "My old act was so easy to do because there was so little of me in it."Collection: Littles
You remember from watching the show, there are no "jokes." That's why if you see people on Twitter accusing me of being a "joke thief," I just tell them to come to one of my shows.Collection: Accusing Me
I started to have panic attacks on stage and my wife just asked, "Why don't you just stop?" I was doing Ghost Whisperer at the time so I was making enough money where I could put it away and she said, "Then, when you go back, you just go up and tell the truth." And it's a lot more tiring.Collection: Wife
I'm sure that having acted like an asshole for a great deal of my life, then having played assholes for a good part of my life, created a perception that I'm an asshole.Collection: Perception
There was never a moment in George Carlin's career where he dipped below an A+. When he came out with the "Hippie Dippie Weatherman" on The Tonight Show, I mean, it seems so mundane now, but it was in black and white TV and the whole bit was that this guy smoked tons of grass and was a terrible weather man. "Forecast for tonight? Dark."Collection: Hippie
The jokes were perfect! Then George Carlin started talking about the seven dirty words you can't say on television, then it evolved into social commentary.Collection: Dirty
You don't have to be Willy Loman about it. But, "Airline food is crazy. Hey, what's with these rent-a-cars?" or you go up and talk about how Christopher Walken wanted to know where my dog's tail went. That really happened to me.Collection: Dog
Every time you talk about politics or religion, know that the moment you open your mouth you're isolating 50% of your audience, in any medium. You're taking 50% of people that'll buy tickets to come see you and you're removing them from the equation.Collection: People
What's great about stand-up unlike athletes and other things when you get old you get old and rusty.Collection: Athlete
I had a calling, this is what happened, I've explained the story many times. I've had my priest on, I've had atheists on. When I explain my conversion to atheists, my personal series of events, they go, "Oh, alright."Collection: Atheist
There is a person that says they invented the podcast and they are suing Adam Carolla, because he is the top of the hill, for patent infringement. If this person wins, Adam Carolla, Marc Maron, Joe Rogan, Jay Mohr, Chris Hardwick, it will all go away. So, it's kind of like when someone takes your name so you can't get it on Twitter, magnified times a billion.Collection: Winning
The first time I watched [Keith] Olbermann, his opening monologue, I completely changed the way I approached my radio show.Collection: Keith
[George Carlin] was obsessive about time; he was obsessive compulsive about his material and making things shorter and more perfect. He did an HBO hour every other year. It's live; you have to be off-stage at 55 minutes. It's a network; you've got to be off. And it's perfect.Collection: Hbo