Greg Behrendt
I think probably - I think, you know, when you're first dating somebody, if they're just not that physical with you, if they don't want to make concrete plans with you, you know, if they're sort of ambiguous about where everything is going, I think that's a pretty good sign that they're not into you.Collection: Dating
I was always funny, but I wasn't a great musician, and I wanted to be a musician way more than I wanted to be a comic. I just didn't think comedians were cool when I was a kid.Collection: Funny
I've learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work.Collection: Patience
I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.Collection: Dating
We were raised to pursue women... Most of the guys I know enjoy the pursuit. But that doesn't mean women should be wallflowers.
Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.
The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric.
I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do.
I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.
The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have.
Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.
Most authors writing books like 'He's Just Not That Into You' dream of doing what I was being asked to do. I didn't like it. I'm good at giving advice, but doing it on TV and radio felt wrong, and when people resisted my point of view, I was like, 'Why am I doing this? This was not the plan.' So I stopped. It didn't make me feel good.
Social media is a really cool way to tell your story to people who are interested in hearing it. It's not getting put through the filter of a television executive who's decided you're too old to justify the expenditure.
I don't have a massive fan base. I don't have Patton Oswalt numbers, but the fan base I have is incredibly generous, and of the 22,000 people who follow me on Twitter, I think almost all of those people participate.
I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'
I went to stand-up when my rock n' roll dreams weren't coming true. I knew it wasn't going to happen when I was in a New Wave band in 1992 - at the height of grunge. Then I heard No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' and I said, 'Well, we're done.' They did - and succeeded at - what we were trying to do.
I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change.
This life is yours and no one else's, and if you spend your time looking at other people's pages, you'll never get anything done.
The best thing that can happen in a relationship is when you are the same person you were before the relationship started. You are not hiding anything, and you still have a life of your own. The other best thing is sex - that is a super positive.
I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it.
I'm not a big fan of comedy roasts because most of the time I find them to be really mean, but once in a while, you'll hear something perfectly worded and well-crafted.
A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he lovesCollection: Moving
If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.Collection: Dating
I don't know" means "NO!" "I don't know" means "I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can't deal with confrontation." "I don't know" means please do the dirty work for me because I don't want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have.Collection: Hurt
Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.Collection: Beautiful
You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.Collection: Faith
It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less - even a vague pathetic facsimile of less - than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get, and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.Collection: Guy
Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for youCollection: Heart
Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. What other choice is there?Collection: Sweet
Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.Collection: Baby
There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.Collection: Real
The word “busy” is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact, in every silo you uncover, all you’re going to find is a man who didn’t care enough to call. Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want.Collection: Men
If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you.Collection: Expectations
We (men) would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both—or even worse, cry and yell at us.Collection: Men
Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.Collection: Sleep
But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.Collection: Hate
There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.Collection: Guy
When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you.Collection: Eye
Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?Collection: Guy
He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.Collection: Relationship
The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.Collection: Realizing
Alone also means available for someone outstanding.Collection: Mean
Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.Collection: Missing
If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.Collection: Men
Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.Collection: Love
Maybe this is just me, because my priorities have changed as I’ve gotten older. But now I don’t want to be ‘sort of dating’ someone. I don’t want to be ‘kinda hanging out’ with someone. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved.Collection: Dating Someone
Always be classy. Never be crazy.Collection: Crazy
Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challengesCollection: Challenges
You are not easily forgotten.Collection: Forgotten
My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.Collection: Girl