Adam Phillips
We have been taught to wish for it, but the wish to be understood may be our most vengeful demand, may be the way we hang on, as adults , to our grudge against our mothers; the way we never let our mothers off the hook for their not meeting our every need. Wanting to be understood, as adults, can be our most violent form of nostalgia.Collection: Mother
The past influences everything and dictates nothing.Collection: Past
Everybody is dealing with how much of their own aliveness they can bear and how much they need to anesthetize themselves.Collection: Needs
People change, but there really are limits. One thing you discover in psychoanalytic treatment is the limits of what you can change about yourself or your life. We are children for a very long time.Collection: Children
There is always a ..belief that by destroying the thing that we love we destroy our needsCollection: Needs
Sanity, as the project of keeping ourselves recognizably human, therefore has to limit the range of human experience. To keep faith with recognition we have to stay recognizable. Sanity, in other words, becomes a pressing preoccupation as soon as we recognize the importance of recognition. When we define ourselves by what we can recognize, by what we can comprehend- rather than, say, by what we can describe- we are continually under threat from what we are unwilling and/or unable to see. We are tyrannized by our blind spots, and by whatever it is about ourselves that we find unacceptable.Collection: Blind Spots
Tragic heroes are failed pragmatists. Their ends are unrealistic and their means are impractical.Collection: Hero
The vocabulary of one’s self-criticism is so impoverished and clichéd. We are at our most stupid in our self-hatred.Collection: Stupid
To grow up is to discover what one is unequal to.Collection: Growing Up
Monogamy is a way of getting the versions of ourselves down to the minimum.Collection: Way
Lovers, of course, are notoriously frantic epistemologists, second only to paranoiacs (and analysts) as readers of signs and wonders.Collection: Lovers
Believing in religion is like believing that adulthood is the solution to childhood.Collection: Believe
I am always true to myself, that is the problem. Who else could I be true to?Collection: Assessment
The child..will try to make himself..independent of other people. .. Excesses of appetite are self-cures for feelings of hopelessness. ..The child [uses] ‘doubt about food to hide doubt about love.’Collection: Children
You write to find out what you believe.Collection: Believe
The big secret about Art is that no one wants it to be true.Collection: Art
Transgression is a quest for solitudeCollection: Solitude
There is nothing more terrorizing than the possibility that nothing is hidden. There is nothing more scandalous than a happy marriageCollection: Happy Marriage
The whole notion of sanity may be an attempt to medicalize morality - to speak of the good in the language of health: to make us more accurate, more scientific in our wanting - but by the same token it becomes a form of moral blackmail. It is as if to say: if these are not valued - if these forms of wanting and feeling and speaking and doing - are not cultivated and encouraged and rewarded in the child, then the child will be mad.Collection: Children
The child can find out what the object ..might be only by finding ..obstacles to its accessCollection: Children