Sean Lock
I finished tech college with just one A-level, which was an E in English, because I spent most of my time drinking and faffing around. Having one A-level is a bit like having a car with one wheel - pretty useless. So I ended up working on building sites.Collection: Car
Claudia Winkleman is a good laugh and James Corden too.Collection: Good
I'm amazed by how angry people get about new art, particularly new sculptures in their town. The people who hate new sculpture usually find their type of art on birthday cards, pictures of a vintage car going round a hairpin bend and suchlike.Collection: Birthday
I am naturally cautious so I guess I am a saver. I'm a firm believer in not borrowing money, which is a lesson passed down to me from my parents and grandparents.
I'm the master at publicity.
I'm hoping I don't get Alzheimer's.
It's a horrible feeling to go in front of an audience when you don't feel right.
I don't think it's any secret that the bigger the venue, the subtlety and artfulness of comedy declines.
There is the idea that there's a section of society, these working-class tradesmen, are driving around and they all think the same. Everybody who has tools in their vehicle have all the exact same thoughts: it's incredibly patronising isn't it?
I try not to be one particular type of comedian - I try to be foolish, and silly, and surreal, and quite angry and sarcastic and dry.
It's not like I'm an Internet geek or anything - I'm of an age where the Internet is not the first thing I think of when I need to find something out.
I really like doing stand-up, because it gives you an immense amount of freedom. You haven't got anyone telling you what to do. It's great to have that much power over what you do. You don't have that in television.
On '8 Out Of 10 Cats,' myself, Jimmy Carr and Jason Manford have got the producers around to our way of thinking - which is to trust us and allow us to ad-lib.
Real men will eat anything I mean anything. I think the only food I have ever turned down was a boiled goat's head while hitch-hiking in Yugoslavia in the 1980s.
To write anything decent, it's hard. Anything you want to be good is hard.
There's an elusive element to comedy, but nobody gets it for free. That's why comedians seldom criticise each other.
Real men don't know what they want for Christmas. Despite the fact I'm deeply disappointed every Christmas. I pride myself on not wanting anything. Children want things, women want things, dogs and cats want things, but men don't.
Here's a message to all the employers out there reading this: if a comedian comes to you having given up comedy and wants a job; don't employ them. They're utterly feckless and incapable of handling any kind of responsibility. Fact.
In those stupid online polls to find the best sitcom ever, 'Father Ted' never gets the credit it deserves.
I now believe in God for my own ends. I'm not an altruistic Christian - I'm only doing it in case there is in fact a Heaven.
I'm actually a miserable, authoritarian guy at home... no really, I'm strict.
As a comedian, you're making so many observations, so many measurements. You might catch someone's eyes as you're telling a joke, and they can have this sort of glazed expression on their face, and that can set all your dials off.
Salad cream is horrible, like albino ketchup.
I'd never been the class clown and comedy was not a fulfilment of a dream.
There's someone on Twitter who pretends to be me but as long as he doesn't say anything damaging, I don't care. Let him get on with it.
It's hard to pinpoint highlights on tour because they're the gigs really. The whole day becomes about the show. From the time you wake up you are slowly building up to that.
I'd like an old car just so I can control the windows with a handle. I hate electronic windows.
I have worked out that I am virtually Chinese, because everything I own is from China.
I always ask for fresh coffee because instant doesn't give you the caffeine buzz you need.
I was 18 and had taken A-levels in Woking where I grew up. But I didn't want to go to university so left sixth-form college. My father was in the building industry and he found me a job stripping concrete panels off buildings. It was dangerous work on high scaffolds, sometimes 12 hours a day, Monday to Friday, and often weekends too.
I've got genuine political reasons for not voting for David Cameron. He's got a tiny little mouth.
I hate moaning comics, but I do find it very frustrating when I switch on BBC Four or BBC Two to find they're repeating some piece of crap sitcom. I think: Why don't they show mine? Not because I'd make any money, it would just be nice for it to be shown.
I have my suits especially made in 50 per cent polyester. That way when I'm going to a gig I can just stuff them in a bag, whip them out and they don't looked creased when I'm on stage.
I drive a VW California. It's a camper van based on the transporter body. It drives like a car, but you press a button and you're camping. I take it on tour with me.
People ask me about my influences and I say all the comedians in the 1970s and Dave Allen was a massive influence and a very big influence on a lot of modern comics.
I go to my office nearly every day, and I'll sit there for six or seven hours and come up with ideas, and that's the only way I can justify turning up on stage.
I finished school in 1981 when there was a recession on so there was not a lot of money around or work. I worked on building sites during that time and there were many people on the dole or always looking for work.
I think people like to have something to have a moan about.
In my mind if you're over 25 and using Twitter you need to have a word with yourself.
I spent a large part of my 20s and 30s living in different places, including tower blocks.
That's the thing about comedy, there's something utterly delightful and slightly pure about a really good joke, and to create one is a great pleasure.
15 Storeys High' is the hardest thing I've worked on. 12 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I would describe my driving style as calm authority, but my wife would call it demented. In my defence I've got a clean licence so probably the best way to describe it is crafty.
I've got a few fat friends - well, two, it seems like more.
Whenever a young comic asks me for advice I only have two things to say. One is to try and do what you think is genuinely funny and the other is just do loads of gigs.
Being a purple van man means I have my own perspective on things.
We do need sculpture. People always say: 'Well, that sculpture could have paid for a cot in a maternity ward.' But if the world had been run on those lines, there'd only be about four books, and they'd be seed-drill manuals.
I prefer audiences away from London because they're more appreciative.
My stand-up shows don't really have a theme but do have an interactive element to them.
I did once have a MySpace site but it was like a badly tended grave.