Russell Howard
If I was to get into Twitter I'd expose myself to people who adore me or people who absolutely hated me. Neither of those are useful to my soul.
I'm quite good at talking about things I care about.
You can make bleak things funny but if you're glib about it, it doesn't work.
Whenever I come to Ireland, I end up just bantering with the crowd so the show will just be what it is.
I get panic attacks about dying, it's terrible. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and my brain goes 'you're going to die, you're going to die, you're going to die.'
I spent a lot of my childhood sat on a wall thinking, waiting for my mum to pick me up.
My Mum is not used to being in-front of camera.
When you see the American chat shows, they've got so many ideas about what they could with the guests. I did stand-up on 'Jimmy Fallon' and they had loads of sketches and ideas, we don't tend to do that here.
Whenever the word 'weird' is mentioned it can only be an insult.
I'm happy when I'm working.
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'Collection: Funny
Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm.Collection: Moving
I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all.Collection: Funny
What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled!Collection: Funny
So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.'Collection: Funny
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.Collection: Funny
The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net.Collection: Funny
Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!Collection: Funny
'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!'Collection: Funny
She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".Collection: Funny
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."Collection: Funny
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'Collection: Funny
I've never said flange to a monkey!Collection: Funny
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb.Collection: Funny
If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers.Collection: Funny
When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping.Collection: Funny
With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'Collection: Funny
From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster!Collection: Funny
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.Collection: Funny
Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU!Collection: Funny
This bloke was so pissed, he thought his vomit had come to life!Collection: Funny
Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life?Collection: Funny
I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonadeCollection: Funny