Penn Jillette
When I buy Windows 98, I'm not only buying something useful, I'm giving money to Bill Gates, which is a really good thing.
Bob Saget is the dirtiest comic who's ever lived. Nobody touches him.
Magic is the Special Olympics of entertainment.
Comedy is taken care of by a free market.
Performers have the right to say what they want to, and anyone paying money has the right to accept or reject the art and entertainment that's available.
You have in Vegas the most heterogeneous audience you're gonna get anywhere in the country. In Boston, Chicago, Miami, you know who goes to the theater. In Vegas, you have people who only see one theater show a year, and it's in Vegas.
Poker would have never gotten on TV when we only had three networks.
I believe in individual rights so much that I don't like any sort of 'what's good for the cause'-type questions.
It's only the losers named 'Dave' that think having an unusual name is bad, and who cares what they think? They're named 'Dave.'
The secret truth of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is that it isn't very hard... 'Celebrity Apprentice' is easy like junior high is easy. All the arithmetic, the creative writing and the history are super simple, but like junior high, you do that easy work surrounded by people who are full-tilt, hormone-raging bug nutty.
No one can tell you the rules of 'Celebrity Apprentice.' No one. Donald Trump just does what he wants, which is mostly pontificating to people who are sucking up to him, while the network people try to manipulate him into making the highest-rated show they can.
Charities are really good. To a certain extent, the ones you pick are arbitrary.
If you want to turn out an atheist child, unconditional love constantly is a good way to do it.
If you spend a lot of time lying to people, you think a lot about what the truth means.
In reality, many people let go of religion later in life.
It is really funny to see people that you know acting unpleasantly just because there are TV cameras on.
I like things matching. I have an upright bass, a drum kit and a grand piano that's the same color. I tend to overthink things.
I'm very happy being big and effeminate.
My hair is way, way long. I've hitchhiked across the country a zillion times. I've ridden in every car. I was never a hippie. It takes more than long hair.
To drive a car in rural America is freedom. Before I had a car, I'd never seen a rock and roll show, I'd never seen a comic or a show.
I never wanted to be a magician. I never wanted to be a comedian. I never wanted to be onstage.
We celebrities are desperate pigs.
'Celebrity Apprentice' has more integrity and is the most straightforward show I've ever seen.
Tolerance is you saying something crazy and me smiling and saying, 'That's nice.'
Direct confrontation, direct conversation is real respect. And it's amazing how many people get that.
Penn & Teller stopped doing practical jokes, and the reason is we got much too good at it.
I'm not misunderstood. I am brash. I make my living being brash.
Technology adds nothing to art.
Part of the experience of being entertained is sitting back and plugging into someone else's vision.
As much as I disagreed with every second of 'Fahrenheit 9/11,' the fact that it is out made me jump for joy.
I love the idea that horror and fear is a celebration of health and life.
The pure unadulterated disgust of Washington seems to me to be a really good thing.
This is going to sound horrible, but I don't even know how much I make in a year. It must be, you know, a couple of million dollars, a few million. I know it's more money than my dad, a jail guard, made in his lifetime; more money than I'll ever need.
The vast majority of people who have guns never hurt anybody.
Once you have somebody that is telling you, 'We are interpreting God for you,' it seems like you either agree or you don't. You either say, like Martin Luther, 'I'm going to have a direct relationship with the word of God,' or I'm going to go through a conduit of God on Earth,' which would be the Pope.
Even if I disagree with Obama on many, many things, he is certainly qualified to be president. He is certainly competent to be president.
For the most part, any serious magic show is not using very much technology newer than theatrical lights.
I like movies that are scary, but I don't want them to be dirt dumb. I want a movie that gets my blood racing, makes me laugh, but also gives me something to think about, with maybe a little sexy thrown in. Hollywood doesn't make movies like that.
The one kind of person I have a lot of trouble understanding is the kind of person that says the existence of God or religion doesn't matter, it's not an important decision. I think it's vitally important; it's what all our lives are based on.
When I was 15, 16, 17 years old, I spent five hours a day juggling, and I probably spent six hours a day seriously listening to music. And if I were 16 now, I would put that time into playing video games.
My parents were teetotalers and my grandparents were - it's all the way back. It's New English puritanical tradition.
Trey Parker did 'Book of Mormon.' It's the best Broadway show I've ever seen. He does 'South Park.' It's wonderful.
I'm always fascinated by the use of the first-person plural talking about sports.
'Psycho' is fascinating philosophically, because the point of 'Psycho' is that everything that's bad happens because of love.
You have to be careful as a libertarian because you can sound very Republican.
Believing there's no God means I can't really be forgiven except by kindness and faulty memories. That's good; it makes me want to be more thoughtful. I have to try to treat people right the first time around.
Everybody is designing magic iPhone apps that do things that are really, really beautiful, but a really important thing about magic is that the gimmick has to be ugly.
When you tell other people to do stuff they don't know how to do, they tend to freak out.
The only difference between Obama and Bush is that Obama is killing more people.