Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.Collection: Parenting
The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.Collection: Pet
If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.Collection: Work
The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.Collection: Happiness
To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.Collection: Marriage
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.Collection: Morning
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.Collection: Marriage
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.Collection: Happiness
Women would rather be right than reasonable.Collection: Women
Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.Collection: Hope
Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.Collection: Funny
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?Collection: Funny
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.Collection: Work
I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.Collection: Hope
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.Collection: Age
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.Collection: Happiness
I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.Collection: Great
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.Collection: Women
I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.
I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.
Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.
I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.
I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.
There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.
Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.Collection: Inspirational
Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.Collection: Funny
Humor is the best means of surviving in a difficult world.Collection: Mean
Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.Collection: Funny
The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.Collection: Doors
God in His wisdom made the fly And then forgot to tell us why.Collection: God
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.Collection: Funny