Miranda Hart
I did things like get in a cupboard before the teacher came in at the beginning of a lesson, and then, two minutes before the end of the class, I come out of the cupboard and go, 'Sorry I'm late.'Collection: Teacher
About me - I used to want to be a P.E. teacher, and kind of still do.Collection: Teacher
I'll always have to force myself to see the positive, because I'm wired badly, I'd say. I'm just naturally a bit under, a bit depressed.Collection: Positive
I am not married, no. I wasn't really into the notion when I was younger, but now I think a proposal is the ultimate romantic gesture.Collection: Romantic
No blessing goes uncontested. It will take a long time to get your dream.
Pessimism is my default setting.
Because I have a dog, it's easier to work at home: I sit in a horrible weird 'Mastermind'-style chair and bask in my own mediocrity. Being single, I've no family life to distract me at the end of the day. Apart from taking the dog for a walk, I have no other responsibilities.
I'm not a stereotypically beautiful woman, and I'm so happy that I'm not. I've seen those ladies - the need to be attractive at all times is ghastly. Also, in your twenties, if you are beautiful, everything comes to you, so you never need to develop a personality. I never had that problem.
It's a real man who can go out with a woman who's taller than he is. That's an alpha male right there.
I hate the fact that we all feel the pressure to go to gyms, have a trainer if money allows, get jogging - all those societal pressures to keep fit and look a certain way.
The embarrassment of a situation can, once you are over it, be the funniest time in your life. And I suppose a lot of my comedy comes from painful moments or experiences in life, and you just flip them on their head.
I am essentially a middle-aged woman who likes making up weird snack combinations and galloping.
Marriage was never a dream or an ambition for me. I thank my real mother for the fact that - unlike my sitcom mother - she never put any pressure on me or my sister to marry.
I think babies are a bit boring, actually. They're OK when they're older; they make you laugh. I think we all think that, really - we just don't say it.
I see myself as a comedian rather than a female comedian. I happen to be a woman, but I am a comedian by trade.
My greatest crush was Chandler from 'Friends.' And Goran Ivanisevic.
I suppose you want me to say I'm at parties all the time and am secretly going out with Tom Cruise, but I am afraid that is not the case. I'm still in my pyjamas at nine o'clock each night, watching ITV2 without telling anyone.
People come up to me and say, 'Can I just thank you for writing my life?' And I reply, 'I'm glad someone else is as idiotic as I am.'
Obviously I love the fans, and it's beyond lovely that people like my work, and I love saying 'Hi,' shaking a hand, doing a high five. All that's fine. But the posing for photos is so time-consuming and frankly a bit weird.
I want to be more physical and theatrical within the stand-up. There might be dance moments, and people better watch out - I will gallop.
When my sitcom 'Miranda' first became successful, I was so in the thick of working and I was so stressed that I didn't really enjoy the moment. You suddenly look back and go, 'Gosh, you've just got to enjoy every day.' And now I wake up and literally pinch myself every day.
I'm very much in denial that I can't dance. I really go for it, which is almost more embarrassing.
I'm such a comedy fan that I just love laughing and so admire comedians who have brought me joy.
My greatest fear is fear. Ooh, meta.
I own nothing of value at all. I spend money on experiences.
I kiss, but I don't tell.
I only really and truly fully relax on my own. Give me a sun lounger, a pool and a sea view, and I'm happy.
I think there are different kinds of comedians, and I prefer the clowns who are going: 'I'm an idiot, aren't we all a bit like this, laugh at me.' Whereas, a lot of other comedians are saying: 'Aren't I clever? You want to be me, aren't I cool? Revere me.' Which is fine. But that's not my bag.
I hate talking about my height, because I don't feel like a tall person... When I see a tall woman, I'm always slightly like, 'Whoa.' It looks weird, but that could be because of my complex about it, my worry over whether it's womanly to be that tall.
I think, for a shy person - and I was very shy until my mid-20s - having been to an all-girls' school is not brilliant on the boyfriend front later. Because when I went to university, it was definitely like meeting a new species of people. Suddenly, at age 19, I was thinking: 'Can you speak to these people?' I was very, very nervous.
The main reason I got into comedy was in the hope that I could make a few people laugh and feel better about life, and the fact that I do that is quite overwhelming, really.
I have always thought of comedy as an important job and medium, and so I put pressure on myself to do the best I can.
You want comedic themes to be recogniseable life truths that we all battle with, and with that comes the healing properties of comedy.
Writing humour certainly involves pain. A sitcom is 6 months of writing pain!
I am pleased to say that as I get older, I get less and less like the sitcom 'Miranda.' She is really a clown character, a heightened version of the 20-something me.
If I had had plastic surgery, I would have asked for something better than the face you are seeing! I actually really hate plastic surgery when it's just for aesthetics and anti-ageing. I think ageing is beautiful and expressive and characterful.
In my head, I have the most sensational singing voice. I perform concerts to thousands in the shower. The reality is I can hold a tune. The dream is a West End musical one day - no, really!
No one likes a show-off, but if parallel parking was an Olympic sport, I would get gold, no probs.
I'm not saying writing comedy's brain surgery, but there is a certain pressure to it. It's the equivalent of doing homework that's going to end up on national television.
There are some professions that culturally and sociologically take a long time to change, and because of that, there's still sexism in comedy audiences. We shouldn't blame them: I do it too. A woman comes on, and I feel slightly anxious. I'm a woman in comedy, and I do that; I think everyone does.
Being tall when I was youngerl I was always a bit awkward. As a teenager, I was very, very thin, so I was very gangly and limby, and would sweep things off the table without realising how big my wingspan was - just out of control. A lot of women write to me and say, 'I'm six foot and exactly the same happens' - that's been lovely therapy.
Everyone - particularly my female friends I speak to - all say 'I wouldn't be in my twenties again if I was paid.' It's a difficult time.
My mum said to me once years ago, which really spurred me on, 'You're the funniest person I know'. I loved that.
I've never felt like a woman fighting in a male world; I've never felt penalised.
I've always felt a bit of an outsider. It used to worry me that, in terms of TV, I did not look like 'the girlfriend' or 'the daughter'. That pushed me to write my own stuff, as I thought no one else was going to write me a lead in the sitcom.
My whole family is obsessed by brandy butter. And bread sauce. Then, of course, there will be a lot of wind in the afternoon! We have never disguised the wind side of our lives as a family; we think it's hilarious.
I am pleased to say that I am not a tortured comedian - I laugh a lot. My twenties weren't particularly happy, but it's the same for a lot of people. In your thirties, you realise that your life and your worries are really insignificant, and you have to force yourself to be more positive and take each day as a gift.
I do feel that there is a little confusion in people's minds between the real me and sitcom Miranda. I am pleased that people identify with the character, but I think they want me to be her and are disappointed that the real Miranda doesn't actually fall into graves or be that rubbish at life.
I'm not particularly into the formal, political side of faith, although I am spiritual and I do have a faith. But 'Strictly Come Dancing' is my religion.
I do love to cry. I'll cry at the drop of a hat. I'll cry at your basic television programme, let alone a weepie. But not big, heavy, serious crying. I haven't done that for a while, which is a relief. More like a little welling up of joy.