John Barrymore
I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.Collection: Food
The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.Collection: Women
Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.Collection: Happiness
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?Collection: Money
If it isn't the sheriff, it's the finance company; I've got more attachments on me than a vacuum cleaner.Collection: Finance
A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.Collection: Dreams
In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief.Collection: Alone
I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.Collection: Wisdom
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
I've read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
The good die young, because they see it's no use living if you have got to be good.
You can only be as good as you dare to be bad.
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
My wife was too beautiful for words, but not for arguments.
You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried, you float.
You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
My wife is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother, and her mother will go anywhere.
When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.
Dying is the last thing I will ever do.Collection: Dying
My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.Collection: Regret
You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried; you float.Collection: Drinking
Method acting? There are quite a few methods. Mine involves a lot of talent, a glass, and some cracked ice.Collection: Ice
My head is buried in the sands of tomorrow, while my tail feathers are singed by the hot sun of today.Collection: Today
A man must pay the fiddler. In my case it so happened that a whole symphony orchestra often had to be subsidized.Collection: Men
Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.Collection: Funny
Mr. [John] Barrymore's smile was the smile of an actor who hates actors, and who knows that he is going to kill two or three before the play is over. I am not an actor-killer, but I like my Hamlets to dislike actors, if you know what I mean, and I think you don't.Collection: Hate