George S. Kaufman
When I was born I owed twelve dollars.Collection: Funny
Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.
Satire is what closes on Saturday night.
I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.
I understand your new play is full of single entendres.
When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.
Office hours are from 12 to 1 with an hour off for lunch.
At dramatic rehearsals, the only author that's better than an absent one is a dead one.
The kind of doctor I want is one who when he's not examining me is home studying medicine.
God finally caught his eye.Collection: Eye
Lawyers-they get together all day and say to each other, "What can we postpone next?" The only thing they don't postpone, of course, is their bill, which arrives regularly. You've heard about the man who got the bill from his lawyer which said, "For crossing the street to speak to you and discovering it was not you, twelve dollars."Collection: Men
You've heard of people living in a fool's paradise? Well, Leonora has a duplex there.Collection: Home
There was laughter in the back of the theater, leading to the belief that someone was telling jokes back there.Collection: Art
You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!Collection: Christmas
I've never had any complaints yet!Collection: Sex