Denis Norden
It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.Collection: Funny
You can't have your kayak and heat it.
You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable to do in bed is r-e-a-d.
If it ain't baroque, don't fax it.
It's like your children talking about holidays, you find they have a quite different memory of it from you. Perhaps everything is not how it is, but how it's remembered.
Frank liked administrative work and was good at it.
And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who thinks it's funny - and you have no way of finding out.
Then after that came word processors and it's hard to make those laugh.
I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny.
The comedians all finished their acts with a song. They would get a certain amount of money from the song publishers and would use that money to pay the writers. None of them paid very much for their comedy material, but it all added up.
Everyone who appears in a scene gets paid.
I defy anyone to get a decision that quickly these days.
If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.
And if you can offer an explanation as to why it doesn't work then you've got to the whole root of comedy.
There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.
I prefer radio to television. Radio is a dialogue; television is a monologue. In radio, you have to interact - they put the words in your head; you build the pictures in your mind. To that extent, it is more engaging than television.
I've written not milestones of cinema but millstones.
My father made bridal dresses, which he sold wholesale, and always wanted me to join him. He looked upon what I did as precarious and frivolous - except that he loved it when my name was in the papers.
Bob Monkhouse, Galton and Simpson, Spike Milligan and I all started around the same time with an enormous advantage: working to an audience all of whom had shared an awful, common experience - the war.
Is the opposite of light entertainment meant to be dark and heavy?
I have better peripheral vision in my left. It is quite hard to remain optimistic, but I have found the Macular Society, of whom I've been an enthusiastic supporter for nine years, tremendously helpful in providing support.
I'm not a great fan of the modern style of personal agonising, which crops up a bit too often for my liking.
I recognise the pure gold that runs in Andy Hamilton and Guy Jenkin's work for 'Outnumbered' on TV. And on radio, I really enjoy John Finnemore.
Almost all comedy is of its time. You can't expect audiences now to laugh at what amused people 60 years ago.
We saw more of each other than we did of our wives. We wrote everything together. But how long can you go on doing that? How long can you go on being half an entity?
It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.Collection: Baseball
You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable two people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D.Collection: Two
If all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players, where do all the audiences come from?Collection: Player
A counter tenor is anyone who can count to ten.Collection: Tenors
What is a harp but an oversized cheese slicer with cultural pretensions?Collection: Cheese
Middle age is when, whenever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.Collection: Holiday
Dictum on television scripts: We don't want it good - we want it Tuesday.Collection: Tuesday