Craig Ferguson
The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.Collection: Wedding
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.Collection: Brainy
I realized women and humor were linked very closely.Collection: Humor
I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'Collection: Teacher
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.Collection: Failure
If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.Collection: War
You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.
The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.
The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.
There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.
I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.
I'm careful with money.
When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.
When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.
I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available.
I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.
I think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.
I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.
I think that clearly it has an influence, to be coming of age during the punk rock era, to come from a difficult and sporadically violent background, to have been in and out of such chaos, I think it actually helps. But I don't know for sure.
I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.
They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.
I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.
A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.
For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.
I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.
HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.
My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.
It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.
I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.
A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.
I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
I don't see my show as a stepping stone to something else like some people, who get a job then have a foot out the door looking for their next job.
All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.
If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.
I wanted to be a rock star.
Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.
I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.
I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.
I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'
I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.