Colin Mochrie
Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.Collection: Famous
Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?Collection: Change
We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out.
This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3.
Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?
I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs.
Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine!
As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living.
My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever.
You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.
The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs.
I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!
Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy.
I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work.
The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge.
As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers.
My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist!
Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!
Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries.
My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything.
I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine.
We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second.
Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had.
Give me liberty or a bran muffin!
Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing.
There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky.
The American audiences are more vocal and enthusiastic. British audiences tend to sit back a little more.
There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting.
To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap.
We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes.
I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people.
And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie.
I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money.
I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned.
When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage.
For as long as I can remember, I've had memories.Collection: Memories
Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar, well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away from it, but, unfortunately, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.Collection: Flower
Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report, that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.Collection: Spain
After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall.Collection: Summer
Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.Collection: Husband
Did you know that..........'embargo' spelled backwards is 'o grab meCollection: Embargo
If Sting retires, would he have to change his name to Stung?Collection: Names
NASA sends probe to Uranus, people everywhere giggle.Collection: People
Hi, well soon return you to the dyslexic production of Bitty Bitty Chang Chang.Collection: Return
He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye, and had that sort of milky film over the other one, ya..ya know, ya know what I mean? But still he was my identical twin.Collection: Mother
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage.Collection: Sheep
I believe it was Shakespeare who said, 'All the world's a stage, and you are CRAP!'Collection: Believe
Give me liberty! Or a bran muffin!Collection: Giving
I have many favorite artists...Van Gough as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!Collection: Artist
I have so many evil plans, I'm just trying to find the one which would be best right now!Collection: Evil