Mardy Fish
It shouldn't matter, but I want to play the big matches on the big courts.
I don't want to play on the grandstand. I want to play on the stadium.
I've worked very hard to put myself where I am: in the top 10, the top American in an American event - two American events - and I haven't played on stadium court.
It's great to be with family all the time.
I'm pretty good at golf and I enjoy trying to get better and learning without the stress on your body, without having to be in incredible physical shape.
What don't I miss about tennis? Oh man, the road, the airports, the rain delays, the scheduling, the knots in your stomach, not being able to eat. Things like that.
I love playing competitive golf because it's really the only thing left that I'm still pretty good at.
You can't replace Davis Cup with something else. Its love and lore won't be surpassed any time soon.
I do enjoy the experience of a 10 or 12-day competition.
As a captain, you don't have to worry about playing well, or recovering, or injury. As captain, you know the match is in the hands of the player, not you.
I always felt gratified as a player when Jim Courier was captain, and I knew he had been in any possible scenario I might face on the court. It's amazing to sit with someone like him, and to draw confidence from what he says, or even just nothing.
It's just really humbling to know that your story can help people.
I had trained myself to show no weakness.
I really wanted people to understand beating the stigma of, Hey suck it up,' is really important, because it's not as easy as that.
The most trauma I had was on the tennis court.
If I never had any mental health issues, there's no doubt in my mind I'd still be playing.
I do want to play again. I'm just not sure if I'll be able to.
I don't want people to think I missed the French Open because I didn't want to go because I was just tired.
Everyone is in their own bubble with stresses, pressures, and expectations on themselves - no matter what job title they have. Mine just happened to involve playing in front of a lot of people, but my issues would be no different from any other person's.
As tennis players, we're ingrained from a young age to not show anything - tiredness, fear - or your opponent is going to know and you don't want that to happen.
In those years between 2010 and 2012, I was so consistent, not only on all surfaces, but just in terms of entering a tournament and winning matches.
It was just crazy anxiety, crazy, crazy, just how am I going to walk out on this court?
To educate is really the most important thing. To try to reach people that have never understood mental health or had issues with it or people around them who have had issues with it. To just educate them and just understand that Naomi Osaka is not going to pull out of the French Open just because she doesn't want to talk to the press.
I practice kickboxing and Muay Thai right now, like, come on, I'll take anyone on in the ring. You can punch me in the face all you want, and I'll hit you back.
I was in the spot where you work your butt off to get to: the fourth round of the U.S. Open against Roger Federer on Labor Day. That's why you work so hard in this game and sacrifice so much - to get to that position.
If anyone reads about my story, and says, 'Look, there's a guy that struggled with a lot of stuff that I am dealing with now, and he got through it,' then, yeah, I'd love that. If it helps one person, then that's great.
If I had three pancakes in the morning I'd be like, Oh, I feel a little full, did I eat too much? Maybe I ate too much, I don't feel perfect, what's going on?' It just snowballs.
You gain more and more confidence every time you go through tougher situations like traveling alone and sleeping alone.
I have some great memories from the Olympics I also have some tough memories from it as well, where I was so close to winning a gold medal.
I realized that if I could shed some extra weight, it would make a huge difference for my knee.
We tracked every single thing that I ate and calculated everything on a computer program called NutriTiming. It wasn't always easy and certainly wasn't always fun.
My diet wasn't terrible but it wasn't great either.
I'm very proud of the work I put in, especially in the second part of my career.
I'm open to talking about what I've been through with my anxiety disorder and my mental health struggles to try and help other people.
I've been to all these places all over the world: Portugal, Vietnam, you name it.
It's just been kind of hard trying to figure out what I can and can't play. Everyone is so competitive and you watch your friends doing well and you feel helpless at times.
Physically, I definitely needed to change some things, get fit and get in position where I could be consistent without injury, and I've put in a lot of work to stay fit.
There are a lot of things I'd like to do when I come to D.C. - go to a Nationals game and have fun - but it might not be the best thing for me.
I realize there are a lot of people putting in a lot of time and effort for me, and I want to do well for them, too.
Yes, it was fun playing the quarterfinals of Wimbledon. But I just wasn't satisfied. To have that one big win in a big tournament on that big stage - I don't have that.
I just feel like a completely different person confidence-wise, just being able to walk around feeling like an actual athlete that's in pretty good shape.
I worked extremely hard to put myself in the best position to not have to worry about things when I was out there. Because if I was out of shape, or if I didn't feel well, or if it was going to be a long match or a hot match, or something like that, a lot more things creep into your head.
That's one of the things that I need to do on the court, is to be pretty even-keeled, and positive.
I used to be very hard on myself at times - a lot of times, really.
You sort of look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if want to do things if you want to do some cool things and achieve things you've never achieved before.
I'd love to go back to the U.S. Open, where it sort of all came crashing down for me in 2012, and sort of conquer that place. And by conquer, I mean just get back out on the court there. I have a lot of demons from that place.
You see a lot of guys going downhill as they get older, but I'm going the other way, and that's because of diet.
I don't get tired anymore because I'm no longer carrying 30 pounds on me. It was about a lifestyle change. It was about what I ate and when I ate, and now I'm able to train harder.
For the first three months after the U.S. Open, I had retired and nonretired in my head almost every week. And there was a while where I was done. I had gotten it through my head that I was done, when I was just trying to get my normal life back.