John Bishop
As soon as I speak, I think people go, 'Well, he obviously must have grown up on a council estate, gone to a comprehensive school and be working class - so I can relate to him.'
I love pure joke-tellers, but if I go to see a comedian for a full show, I want to feel I know them more than when I came through the door.
When I started doing arenas, because of the screens, I was back to getting the reaction of a very small room. If I say something and raise my eyebrow, everyone sees it. So people were laughing at the subtleties that they weren't getting in the theatres. It was really strange.
The biggest thing that's ever happened in anyone's life is your family, isn't it? They're the most important thing in your life.
Everybody has layers.
The idea of being on a show and having a chat, that's one thing but I wanted to do something where you'd have one person and talk.
We live on a two week cycle in our house so if I go away for two weeks, it's too long. And if I'm home for two weeks, it's too long.
Being on stage, telling jokes and telling stories is where I feel the most at home.
I 100 percent do not see myself as the new Piers Morgan!
When have you ever sat down with your mates and said, 'Look, tell me about your dad?'
My kids get annoyed if you ask them what their GCSE results are.
Oh, listen, stand-up is my home.
I've never had a piercing before. I thought I'd be cool.
By doing the comedy you don't get heckled by your own wife.
What made me a comedian was staying on the stage and starting to talk.
I'm not saying everyone who has a problem in their relationship should be a comedian, but I think if you're to work things out you've to get out of the bunker.
What I found absolutely the best thing about comedy is it's a little club. You find yourself part of this strange needy society of people who want to go on stage and make people happy.
I haven't met a comedian who is judgemental of other comedians.
Something can only go wrong if you know what you're doing.
Being a family man has been the most rewarding and the most disappointing thing I have done in my life.
I have worked hard to be all the things that I thought a family man should be, but I probably could have done better by not trying to run a family like I was picking a five-a-side football team.
If you have three children under the age of four, as I did, you have to make choices, because you cannot hold hands with all of them.
My generation are the neurotic ones. Therapists' offices all over the world are full of patients blaming their parents for their own failings.
As a father I can't imagine the pain of digging my own child's grave.
I'm a big believer that if you touch it, you can believe in it.
I normally put on Lycra or Speedos to plead with the British public to put their hands in their pocket for Red Nose Day.
I wasn't aware so many kids were lacking basic things like a hot meal at night and somewhere warm and safe to live.
Some families out there have unimaginably tough lives.
Imagine growing up never feeling loved by your family - the most basic of human needs.
Comic Relief funds projects that help lift people out of poverty.
One of my sons has a tattoo on his ankle that was meant to be Africa but looks like Australia, one of my sons mumbles, and one of my sons is a gay man. I'll be honest, there's been loads of nights when me and my wife have sat up and worried and worried and worried, 'What are we going to do if he doesn't stop mumbling?'
You can't pretend you're not part of the world that you come from.
I was right in the middle of a story and leading to a punch line and then I just heard 'John John' and I just looked around. I could see someone in the shadows walking forward and he said 'John I can't find me seat lad, d'ya know where me seat is?' I looked at him and it was my uncle Dave.
I started at 34 and I didn't go full time until I was 40. When I say started, I mean the first time I went on stage.
When you're 18, you might think that you're interesting. You're not, you're boring.
I just don't think it's acceptable that any animal should lose its life in pursuit of entertainment, which is also why I believe all blood sports should be banned.
I am not entirely against horse racing. I even had a share in a horse syndicate with a few mates.
I don't sit at home and craft a joke.
When I write something down it doesn't look funny to me. It's about the environment, it's all in the moment.
Brexit - I was sick of it when it was all happening. It's off the news now, but when Covid settles down it will just come back again.
I know what it's like to have nothing.
I left the school sixth form after the first day because they wouldn't let me wear jeans and I couldn't go home and ask for money for trousers.
I grew up on a council estate. No one was working in our house.
I go out with my mates and after a drink they'll ask, 'How are you a comedian? You're not the funniest among us,' And they're right - I'm not even the funniest in our house.
When I was 30 we had two kids, a third on he way. I was working for a pharmaceutical company. I had been married four years.
There's no slowing down but I've got to be honest, I'm probably not going to learn French.
There comes a time in your life when you become comfortable in your own skin.
I mean Ireland, in all honesty I owe Ireland a lot because I think, and I'm not just saying this flippantly, Ireland is probably the reason that I do the job I do because when I started doing stand-up I came to Ireland and I just sort of gelled with the idea of doing it the way I do - telling stories.
I do get propositions, but you can't take it serious. I'm in me mid-forties, I've got teenage kids - there's no way I'm going to be caught in a Jacuzzi with some girl out of 'The Only Way Is Essex.'