Denis Leary
Here's the problem with Easter. The Catholic Church needs to pick a date because it keeps moving. And I think the reason they always have Easter moving to different dates is to catch us.Collection: Easter
It says on the back of the Nyquil box, 'May cause drowsiness.' It should say, 'Don't make any plans, OK? Kiss your family and friends good-bye.'Collection: Family
Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.Collection: Food
If you do good work, it tends to stick around. People still come up to me and say, 'The Ref' is my favorite Christmas movie.'Collection: Christmas
My dad was very much a John Wayne kind of guy, but he was also a great guy, great sense of humor, a real dedicated dad. I don't think he ever missed a hockey game I was in.Collection: Humor
I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor.Collection: Humor
My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.Collection: Chance
Stand-up comedy and comedy in general is the ultimate form of free speech, because you get to poke holes in all the pretentious bubbles politicians and pundits and popes and pretenders try to float over our heads.
Willem Dafoe and I are actually the same person.
Firefighters are some of the most selfless public servants you will ever encounter.
What firefighters and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do; basically these people say, 'I'm going to protect all these strangers.'
Everyone's got skeletons in their closet, and I've got a million in mine, believe me. I tested the envelope; I pushed it. Whenever somebody in authority told me not to do something, I did it just to find out why they said not to do it.
No matter what anybody says, relationships are based on physical attraction. The first time I saw my wife, it was pure animal whatever.
My cousin Jerry Lucey and five other firefighters died in a warehouse fire in Worcester, Mass. - my hometown - right in the middle of our old neighborhood downtown when a homeless couple started a fire to keep warm and the entire building went up. My cousin died trying to save homeless people who had already left the building.
I basically - I don't like tattoos, unless you're a firefighter who has a tattoo that has to do with that or a military guy. That's - those are people who should have tattoos.
If you're over 52 years old and you're on Facebook, do us all a favor and log off now.
Vacuuming is great. I do the laundry. I love washing machines. I'm the maid in my house.
I bought my daughter a Chihuahua and I fell in love with it. So now I carry Coco around with me all the time.
Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!
I would have to commit a crime and have cops chase me. That would be the only way to get me to jog five miles.
One thing that's great about firefighters: If they don't have the equipment they desperately need, they don't have the help, they don't care. They'll do it on their own.
I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.
I think we're going to carry the 'Ice Age's up to 'Ice Age 15,' which means basically they'll be in the present decade.
When I was a teenager, you couldn't get straight pants. Then in '76, when punk started to hit, it was a revelation that you could find straight pants again.
When I'm on stage, that's me. It's blown up, but that's me.
George Carlin was great right up to the end of his life. But Richard Pryor was probably the best, most gifted stand-up comedian who will ever live.
I don't want a president like me! I suck, okay. I want an elitist, smart guy.
It would be great if firefighters across the country had the guarantee that they would be making enough money to support their family right from the get-go, but that's not the case.
I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?
I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.
I believe in prescription drugs. I believe in feeling better.
I'm not really a Spider-Man fan. I'm more of a Batman guy.
You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.
The best thing about series TV is that everyone you work with is hand-picked, as compared to working on a film.
With any actor, if you know your character well enough, you'll know pretty much what he would say under any circumstance, or whatever situation might rear its head.
Most movies suck, even the independent ones. Hollywood is like baseball: Hit three good ones out of 10 and you're a Hall of Famer.
One of those things that I like about TV is that if you get a group of people you like, you can work with these people for months at a time, and you can discover their strengths and weaknesses, and you can use those in the direction where you take the characters.
Certain movies like 'Wag The Dog,' we used improv on every scene that we did. Pretty much, we would shoot from the script and then some stuff that we came up with in rehearsal, and then we'd have at least one or two takes where we completely went off the script and just flew by the seat of our pants.
My father left Ireland because he did not want to muck horse manure for the rest of his life, and he wanted to come to New York.
There's no male Oprah.
I remember 9/11; we had 'Comics Come Home' about a month after those events. That night, even the comedians were concerned. Would the audience be ready to laugh? It was a release for everyone.
I'm a huge Kevin Youkilis fan.
Anybody who's done standup will tell you that there's nothing like it. The show starts at 8:00, the curtain goes up and there's nobody else except you and the audience, and you just perform for them for two hours. Nobody yells, 'Cut!' There are no retakes. That is still the most exciting medium for me, and I love it.
Once you have a firefighter in your family, your family and the families from his crew become one big extended family.
You can have good writing, but a great actor will make it feel and sound like great writing. You can have great writing, and mediocre actors will make it feel mediocre. Without the actors, you have nothing.
My career plan at this point is 'Ice Age 5' through '10,' and even '12,' and 'Spider Man' - you know, basically I'd be Emma Stone's dad for the rest of my career. I really don't have any problem doing that.
Usually when you watch a film, you're just sort of biting your nails about things you could have done differently.
I obviously identify with the anti-authority figure. I've pretty much always had problems with authority, ever since I was a kid. But, yeah, it's not identifying, I think it's more a part of my natural DNA that I question anybody who has a plan. Everybody's got to have an angle; that's the way I grew up.
I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.