Chelsea Handler
Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'Collection: Teen
I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate.Collection: Funny
Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?Collection: Humor
Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?'Collection: Wedding
The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.Collection: Friendship
I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves.
You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.
I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.
Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.
You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.
Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural.
I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them.
Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you feel you deserve them the most, but they're there. I believe it. You should too. Because now I'm with someone who makes me grow every day. His name is Netflix.
You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magazine you could go to for real stories. It wasn't like a 'Star' or an 'US Weekly' and they have somebody with plastic surgery on the cover, Heidi Montag. And it's obviously what consumers want, because why else would they be doing it?
Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life.
We women have to stick together.
If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk about her on the weekends.
I definitely don't want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have the time to raise a child.
Men are always like, 'You're so intimidating.' I don't find myself to be. But whatever - I'm not going to try to be less intimidating. It's just a matter of finding a guy who's able to deal with it.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.
People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.
I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.
I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.
The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.
There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I'm unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves are good. I try and embrace all those things. I try and embrace the times where I'm not sure of myself or I'm like, 'Is this going to work? Is this going to land?'
Every time I had a book come out, I'm like, 'Is it going to be number one?'
I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.
Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.
There's a lot of pretty funny women out there.
I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.
Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.
It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.
I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.
I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.
Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not.
I encourage interoffice romance.
That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.
I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.
I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.
I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing.
If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.
I was the youngest of six kids, and my brothers and sisters were kind of a lot older than me. And the one sister that was, like, in a close age range - she was five years older than me. She was my closest sister in age, and she was a loser.
MTV is known for their huge budget.
I'm not superstitious at all. I'm not a Russian.
I'm a standup comedian, so I need people.