Ali Wong
I think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women. Our job used to be no job. We had it so good!Collection: Women
Nothing is off-limits. There's just some things I cannot crack. Politics I can't do. When I start to talk about it, I just get really angry and super sincere. I have never found a way to craft all of that absurdity into funny.Collection: Funny
The audience is so important. Because there's something that I might think is super funny, but if it's just not getting the feedback, I have to let it go.Collection: Funny
My dad was a doctor, and he would tell us a lot of nasty, funny stories from the hospital. It was funny to me when I'd go over to other people's houses and they didn't talk about intestines at the table.Collection: Dad
Making people laugh was the only thing I ever truly excelled at. But at home, I was so quiet with my family, which taught me to be really observant.Collection: Home
The word 'supportive' has no place in stand-up comedy. I hate when people are like, 'Support female comedy.' That's not a real genre of comedy. I think if you have true respect for women as three-dimensional creators who are innovative, you wouldn't group them together like that.Collection: Respect
I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third-world country. And she taught me that you can never throw away anything because you never know when a dictator is going to overtake the country and snatch all of your wealth.Collection: Mom
When you're a mom, you need sparkle to compensate for the light inside of you that has died.Collection: Mom
My parents emphasized experiential learning - in my family, being adventurous was a sign of maturity.Collection: Learning
To be a trophy wife, you have to be a trophy. I am more of a commemorative plaque.
Just because you become a parent doesn't mean you grew up.
A lot of people like to ask me, 'Ali, how on earth do you balance family and career?' Men never get asked that question. Because they don't.
The more socially conscious you are, the better the work you make.
Having a two-year-old is very hard. I feel like I'm in a relationship with an emotionally unstable woman who is also physically abusive and never gets in trouble for it.
Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.
I'm always asked how my husband is feeling about my success with a note of concern. He feels great. It's not hard to feel good about your spouse making money.
I'm addicted to picking my nose. In a world of red tape and bureaucracy, where it takes forever to buy a house or get a cell-phone plan going, it's so instant to just stick your finger up there and go for something your own body produces.
Some useful advice for all of my Asian-American brothers and sisters - never go paint-balling with a Vietnam veteran.
I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect.
Breast-feeding was so stressful for me. I kept on clenching and pushing my tongue against the bottom teeth, so they started to move toward an underbite.
I would love to dress like Beyonce: some custom-print, neoprene onesie with no pants.
You can't just be crass without being witty. Angry crass is horrible.
It's unfair to the hard-core stay-at-home moms to pretend you're able to have an amazing body by chasing around your kids.
All I ever wanted to do was tell jokes for a living.
I think one of the hardest things to talk about as a comic is having money because it's so unrelatable.
The most valuable thing my dad taught me was to never care about what other people thought. When he came to my shows, and I'd announce his presence, he'd stand up with his hands clasped in victory and cheer my name.
Women, a lot of the time, are so much funnier than men, but they just choose not to do comedy for a living.
Asian men are the sexiest. They got no body hair from the neck down.
I didn't expect to be so comfortable handing my child off to a nanny without getting any of her information. As soon as she arrived at my house, I threw my baby in her arms and went to Target.
My husband's chill.
Maternity leave is for women to hide and heal their disintegrating body.
Food is a huge source of comfort for me.
I love being a mom and having two kids. But I've had two C-sections, and I have suffered enough. That's my favourite mantra when it comes to motherhood.
With my husband, I do really appreciate the fact that we - even though we're different kinds of Asian, there is a cultural shorthand between us, and I don't have to explain anything. I've dated guys before who weren't Asian-American, and it frustrated me when I would have to defend why beans belong in a dessert.
Comedy has so much to do with honesty, and women can be more open about their emotions.
I have a B.A. from UCLA. In ethnic studies.
You know what male comics can't do? They can't get pregnant. They can't perform pregnant. So my attitude is, just use all those differences.
Whenever I feel mom-guilt, or I feel pressure to be a better mom - to cook salmon on a bed of quinoa for my kids - I just think to myself, 'I... have... suffered... enough.' And then I feel fine about feeding my toddler a bag of chips for dinner.
The concept of 'diversity' was this big moral 'should.' And now with the success of shows like 'Fresh Off the Boat,' 'Empire,' 'Blackish,' and 'Jane the Virgin,' it's become this big business 'must,' which is so great.
Before my dad passed away, I would miss a lot of baby showers and weddings, sacrificed a lot of family and friend events for dumb road dates. I don't do that anymore. It's gone in the other direction. I'm more inclined to put family and friends first.
The life of a true, traditional stand-up is really unappealing for women.
People are always very surprised by how, offstage with my husband, I'm a completely different person... very soft and nurturing.
A couple of female standup comics I know refer to their kids as their Little Career Killers. I was like, I really do not want to feel that way.
It's very rare and unusual to see a female comic perform pregnant.
Even now, when I go out people are like, 'What are you doing here? Didn't you just have a baby?' But people never ask a male comic when he's out a week later, like, 'Oh my God, you're so irresponsible! What are you doing out? Who is taking care of the baby?'
There's something I want to say, and I haven't been able to articulate it yet, about how it's so rude when people don't admit that they have a nanny.
Writing is the life blood of everything in Hollywood. Without writers, there are no scripts, no acting work.
My dad was obviously a really quirky, unconventional Asian man who didn't care about what other people thought. When he would fight with my mom, he would be really dramatic. He would be like, 'Devil, get away, for I am God's property.' He would say crazy things that were so melodramatic but so theatrical and funny.
I'll tell you how I balance family and career. I have a nanny.
I'm discovering, and I think other mums are discovering too, that when you become a mum, you don't have to change into this frumpy, wholesome role model who is perfect and loses all of your identity. You can still have the same personality you've always had.